I am Hurt

September 03, 2020

This morning I woke up feeling sad, sad to see my phone's screen no longer has a pop-up name of someone I care, sad of having to slowly accept that he is no longer here to talk to me. I try to hide my feeling by listened to some loud music, but it didn’t work as it used to. Instead, I kept on silently crying, on my bed, or even on my way to the office. I couldn’t hold my tears that slowly came running down into, my cheeks, my nose, my lips until I wiped it harshly with my hand.

I don’t know why I have to feel this broken heart again, I feel like I wanna blame him for all of this feeling but I also knew the one who has to blame is myself, myself from having expectations on him. Feeling that not supposed to come because of our relationship when the first time we met. Feeling that came so suddenly when I was in my low point of life. Feeling that came when I've never intended to have that feeling to someone new. It came so suddenly even when I only knew him in short of time.

I feel so weak, weak because my feeling for him is that huge till I can’t breathe. I know I barely know him and yet I fall for him this much, it looks so impossible but it is true. It’s true that even when I try to deny my feeling it keeps coming back to me. Even when he never come to me, the feeling is still here. Do you think I’m a fool too? I know I do.

It’s been years of hiding this feeling from him, been years of talking to him but still, I rarely know about him. He is too far to reach, in a distance of our place, in a distance of everything. He is so far away and so distance now, I just have to slowly accept that my love for him is not the same way to him for me. I have to slowly move on and get back to my life and enjoy my life again. Too not hurting my own feeling with something that might never coming. It takes time, I know, but I believed, I can get over him someday, in a blink of an eye.

Feelings is something I fear the most. It can hurt people. It can turn people into something else. I hate this feeling.

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Bookshelf: Favorite

The Notebook
A Woman Is No Man
A Copy of My Mind
Gadis Kretek
Inteligensi Embun Pagi
Amba: Sebuah Novel
Supernova: Akar
Supernova: Petir
Cantik itu Luka
Supernova: Ksatria, Puteri, dan Bintang Jatuh
Ronggeng Dukuh Paruk
Bumi Manusia


“Berbahagialah dia yang makan dari keringatnya sendiri bersuka karena usahanya sendiri dan maju karena pengalamannya sendiri.” Pramoedya Ananta Toer, Bumi Manusia


2020 Reading Challenge

2020 Reading Challenge
Umi has read 3 books toward her goal of 12 books.